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A rough draft of the spiritual autobiography of Joseph B Wilson. The history that lead to Toteg Tribe.
Copyright 2003 by Joseph B Wilson
- Right after the first of the year 1973 I was released from the hospital, charged $250 for the door
and $50 for the restraining straps I broke, and sent home to Daisy and the kids while I awaited my
final discharge and retirement papers. They arrived a few weeks later. My official retirement date
was February 2nd, 1973.
The first half of 1973 was chaos.
Without the restrictions of military life my patience with everything and my relationship with Daisy
deteriorated rapidly. We were both filled with conflict, and tried in various ways to keep our
marriage together while at the same time doing things that hurt each other.
Sandra,one of the correspondence students I had while I was in Greece, loaned me an IBM
Selectric typewriter and I continued to correspond with some of the other people who had been
students. I also published another series of newsletters related to that course, wrote a few small
articles for local papers for some money, and wrote and sold the only short story I've ever finished.
One couple, Marja and Bill Bahr of Memphis, Tennessee, invited me to come and stay with them
for a while. I did on three occasions.
I met Tim Zell and attended one of the CAW gatherings. I found it steril but interesting, and felt like
an outsider.
My relationship with Ruth Wynn-Owen, which was strained while I was in England. Deteriorated. I
had felt that Plant Bran was a deeply engrained part of my own personal spiritual experience. Ruth
had told me that I could share the prayers and such with others, and I did so. This turned out to be
a misunderstanding between us which turned into a major problem. I had given a few of the
prayers from Plant Bran to some people whom I thought were serious and in need enough. They in
turn wrote to her, quoted parts of them, and claimed them as their own, "passed down in the family
for generations." Ruth was furious with me and I was never able to heal that wound.
During one of my visits to Tennessee Daisy became angry with me and burned all of the letters
and other material I had from Ruth, plus most of the other letters and written material I had saved,
including the original "1734" letters and other material I had from Roy Bowers. Fortunately I had
made copies of most of that and had those copies with me. When I wrote to Ruth and told her
about it she responded by writing "It's a good thing."
Carl Weschcke, of Llewellyn Publications, had planned a major Pagan event in the St. Paul area
that summer. Since I couldn't afford to attend I wrote to those on my own mailing list and suggested
that, since I had 5 acres they could camp on, we hold our own. A few liked the idea and we began
plans for it, but I later cancelled the event when I finally left Daisy.
I moved to Michigan for what turned out to be a relatively brief stay. I lived with my mother. My
brother, who had been discharged from the army under less than honorable conditions after having
been convicted of selling heroin, also lived there. He used to take my car without permission and
disappear for hours. I was afraid he'd get arrested and my car would be impounded. I was also
afraid he'd wreck the car, like he had several others.
Sometime that summer contact with Bill & Helen Mohs was reestablished. I really don't remember
how. Bill invited me to come to California, and so, on October 1st, 1973 I packed my 1961
Volkswagon, withdrew every penny I had from the bank (under $200), and began the trip to Los
Angeles at 11:00 AM. Five days later, sometime between 3:00 and 4:00 AM I knocked on Bill and
Helen's door in Temple City. Much to my relief they welcomed me with open arms.
We had years to catch up on. We talked nonstop until Bill had to leave for work, then, with Bill's
encouragement, Helen and I went to bed and reestablished our sexual relationship between bouts
of sleep while he was gone. They invited me to share their bed as long as I stayed with them.
During the years since I last saw them Bill and Helen had worked hard to develop their circle. They
told me their ultimate goal was to invoke Pan to visible and physical appearance so he would
again be free to wander the earth. They thought that this could best be done with a special circle of
six specially selected couples performing sex magic rites as a part of the invocation. They were
actively, and semi-successfully, in search of people who would be a part of that inner circle. When
asked what their tradition was, they replied "an American Tradition, I suppose."
They had learned and accumulated a great deal since I last saw them in 1968. Now they had an
extensive set of ceremonies and rituals, dedicated to the Goddess and God in their guise as
Aphrodite and Pan, which they had put together with the help of a demonologist who claimed to be
the head of "The Temple of the Dark Lord". His approach was pretty dark. He claimed not to be a
Satanist -- that Satan was just a minor demon in his pantheon. I didn't like him, but they thought he
was great.
