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A rough draft of the spiritual autobiography of Joseph B Wilson. The history that lead to Toteg Tribe.
Copyright 2003 by Joseph B Wilson
Back home in St. Johns I became a regular in the library. The librarian introduced me to science
fiction and fantasy and I devoured everything I could get my hands on. By the time I was 12 I had
discovered Burrows' Moon and Martian series, Ambrose Bierce, and H.P. Lovecraft. I suppose
they were an introduction to the dark side of mysticism. Regardless this was where I first learned
about and became fascinated by the concept of astral projection, and the possibility of the
existence of spiritual forces, good or bad, other than the cold, strict God my puritan relatives loved
to fear. In addition to those I read Roman and Greek mythology -- which again had an influence on
me.
Although I was good at reading I was a poor student in school. In junior high and high school I
seldom got passable grades. I used to skip school a lot, especially in junior high. I'd go to the
library after school hours and check out several books. In the morning instead of going to school I'd
go to an old abandoned cider mill, climb to my favorite hiding spot, and lay there reading the
books all day. I'd often finish three or four, return them to the library that evening, and check out
more. In spite of my poor grades I was getting an education. In fact when I was in the 8th grade we
had to take some kind of educational achievement/placement test. My score indicated that I
already had the equivalent of two years of college.
At 12 or 13 I had a bad attack of puppy love for a neighbor girl who did not return my passion and
affection. I figured it would make sense to ask Venus for help, rather than Jesus -- since Jesus
didn't get involved with women and Venus was the Goddess of Love. I made up some kind of a
ritual/ceremony and prayed to her with all my might. It didn't do any good! I figured I must have
done something wrong, or left something out.
After that I started to read anything I could find about "magic". My small town library didn't have very
much, but I looked up encyclopedia articles and references in other books and made notes in a
kind of a journal/diary, inspired by Bram Stoker's Dracula. I collected folk magic practices,
superstitions, spells and what not and wrote them all down along with my hopes and fears,
sketches of fiction and poetry I was trying to write, and just plain nonsense in that journal. I kept it
hidden.
When I was about 14 my mother found my diary, read it, was horrified, and burned it. I got another
notebook and wrote on the cover, "These are my private thoughts, please do not read." On the first
page I wrote "Nosy, aren't you?" I left the rest of the notebook blank and hid it. A couple of days
later I took out the notebook and there, written under my note on the first page were the words,
"You think you're smart, don't you?" I never forgave my mother for her invasion of my privacy, and,
although I loved her, I never trusted her again. She'd shown me twice in a week that she had no
respect for me.
Mom and Dad both worked. My father progressed from a machine operator on the floor, to a
quality control specialist, to a process engineer with the same company. His work hours were from
noon to 9 PM. Mother got a job as a machine operator with Federal Mogul, another factory within
walking distance of our home. She worked second shift, 3:30 PM to Midnight. During the week
they used to hire high school girls as live-in maid/baby-sitters to take care of the house and us.
The girls came in Monday after school and went home Friday evening. They were paid $10 per
week plus room and board.
I don't know how many girls they hired over the years. I don't remember much about most of them.
I was rather a rebel during my early teens. Was on probation for vandalism twice by the time I was
14. At least while I was on probation I attended classes regularly! On a Friday morning in the
spring of my 15th year another boy and I bought several large bottles of pure vanilla extract. We
went to the soda fountain at the drug store, ordered cokes, poured the extract into them and drank
it. Pure vanilla extract has an alcohol content nearly as high as 80 proof whiskey. We got a bit tipsy
and decided we wanted to take the day off school, but couldn't afford to get caught skipping
classes again. So we figured that if we would telephone the office and anonymously tell them there
was a bomb planted in the high school they would have to let everyone out while they searched for
it. Well, it didn't quite work that way.
We got caught, and spent the next three days in the county jail. We weren't allowed to see anyone,
not each other and not the other prisoners. (I did see a trustee who was cleaning the hallway -- I'm
grateful to him because he gave me a couple of cigarettes and some matches.) My parents
refused to come and talk to me. At my arraignment I was told that since I was 15 when I committed
the offense I would be tried as a juvenile. If I had been 16 I would have been tried as an adult. I pled
guilty and was given a years strict probation (I don't remember everything, but, I was not allowed
out of the house after dark except to attend a school or church function, had to report to my
probation officer every Monday Morning. When the judge asked me what my religion was I told him
I was an atheist. Then he told me that although he could not force me to go to church he could
make a minister an additional probation officer and make me report to him immediately after
Sunday morning services. In addition I was expelled from High School and had to live with an Aunt
and Uncle in Flint so I could finish that year there. I did that and somehow managed to return to
high school in St. Johns that fall.
